My roommate in college made up the verb "gerb." the definition is what I spent all day doing---looking up the extended Chinese astrology on my entire family. Fascinating, but hardly my top priority that I wrote down before going to bed last night. Well, the joy of not working is that one can give oneself a day of gerbing.
My day of gerbing was spent playing with Chinese Astrology. I discovered that there is much more to the process than the year of the Rabbit as we are going into. There are elements associated with each animal, and colors associated with the elements, and the elements are also interrelated. Does this fit a "scientific model"? No. Does that mean it can't have validity? When Einstein's theories didn't fit the scientific model of his day, did he decide that they didn't have validity? No. He was able to see in a different dimension, and describe different dimensions. There are limits to his vision as well. So part of what I was asking was does it predict things that I know to be true. Interestingly, in terms of personal relationships it does.
Last night while watching "The Big Bang Theory" I was able to make a joke about just having one breast--I'm status post mastectomy. It was a lovely nerdy joke stimulated by a line from the show. Sunil commented that what was funnier than the joke was my enthusiasm for it. As a male, I am sure that he has no clue what acceptance of my situation that joke represented. I am facing perhaps voluntarily giving up the other breast because of underlying genetic predispositions. That would mean all of my female parts would be gone---except my female brain, and certain superficial characteristics. I am experiencing some real anxiety about that---and like many I joke to face my anxiety. I would not have been able to do that if I were not in a position where I have a great deal of time to think.
This is the real value of time off. We tend to spend it doing fabulous trips and challenging ourselves by taking up new sports, or observing sports. I have a need for deep thinking, for self-analysis that not many people have. Most people from what I can observe--and it is biased by my own level of self-contemplation--do much less. That doesn't mean that they don't need it. Just means they are not as compelled to it as I am. Means that perhaps they are ignoring their need for it, and keeping themselves busy to keep from the anxiety that those unfilled hours allow to surface.
The problem is that the anxiety arises regardless of whether we acknowledge it or not. One of the calculations of Chinese astrology is called the four pillars--based on the year, month, day, and hour of your birth--and there is an element and an animal associated with each of these as well. Your birth animal and element are your most public side---how the world sees you and what you present to the world. In this I am a "Male Fire Monkey". Interestingly, I was born on the last day of the Fire Monkey year in the last hours, so I have overtones of the "Female Fire Rooster" as well--though it is not as obvious. this also has a component of your childhood and how that affected you--how that causes you to react to the world.
Then the month determines how you are in relationships--there I am a "Female Metal Ox"--and interestingly that indicates that I am loyal in friendship, serious, good disposition, just, but sometimes inflexible and stubborn--damn, nailed me! The metal part says that I can be cutting and hard, though female is also dark, the yang to be precise, so it indicates that friendships and associations are important to keeping me grounded and also give me strength.
At the day, we find our "true selves" that which is our core image: I am a "Male Fire Horse", though the Horse of itself carries the Female Fire. A balanced yin and yang of Fire--fire is a rising element, associated with summer and the fullness of growth. Weird associations with this is that in high school, when we played an icebreaker game of "What animal are you most like?," I always said a horse. Though there was a part of me that was envious of the guy who said, "Cougar." There are no water animals--and I would have sworn that Captain Bly was a porpoise--truly. One time at a zoo, the porpoises refused to play with anyone else in a huge crowd, but him. However,it seems he was "Male Earth Tiger" and Tigers dislike Monkeys. Hummmm. Earth Tiger vs Fire Monkey--not good. Interestingly, Horses dislike Rats--which is the same combination in my chart to his. Now the Skullcracker, my husband and I have no such cross matches. In fact compatibilities are all 8-10 on a scale of 1-10. I like that.
Then there is the Hour, a more secret part of us, that comes out in relationship to our siblings, and in old age supposedly. Here I am a "Female Earth Pig." This is the gentle peace-loving, easy-going, friendly part of me. Have to dig deep to get there. Yet, I was much of this when I was young--it was my role with my siblings. But the Fire Horse and Monkey wanted out! The Pig, Rabbit, and Sheep are compassionate, followers, and they are back seaters in life. There is no bad or good really since this is Eastern philosophy. The Male Fire Horse is the direct opposite of the Female Earth Pig in many ways. Interestingly, if I have remembered the time of birth correctly, Bee has the same duality, but in opposite positions: Male Earth Horse, and Female Water Rabbit. How to get her to her true self? There are very rare moments, a few of which I can remember, where I would see her as a Water Rabbit. I suspect that she shows this to few people, and least of all to me, whom she is afraid of overwhelming her. Again, how do I, the Fire Horse, nurture The Water Rabbit. Perhaps by allowing my Pig be seen again--the Pig is associated with water, so we can bond with that, but I need the Horse to keep from being overwhelmed by her as I was in childhood. She too has Horse, so working on that similarity will help. However, Dad gave her the horses as her domain, part of his unconscious need to keep me from growing up. So there is a conflict there. I have to honor her true self, not the one from childhood, nor the relationship part nor the public self. The Rabbit who loves the moon, her yang side. What yang does she love? Gardening, and mothering small children, and Jesus, who is very Eastern and Yang. Interestingly, I naturally did this when I lived there--and she ultimately rejected it. Hummm.
So I know that she and Bunny are enmeshed terribly. What is Bunny's true self? She is a "Male Metal Tiger." And I call her a Bunny. I don't have her birth hour, and I would be willing to bet that it is Pig, Rabbit, or Sheep--actually I think that she is a sheep there. So emphasizing her true self would help her overcome that gentleness and stand up to others, and also becoming more herself.
So I have started giving everyone nicknames, and I am going to change the above two names. Bee is going to be Nola Rabbit, just Nola for right now. Bunny is going to become the Tigress for right now. I will be changing them as our relationships change.
What did I learn about me? I learned that I need water--funny, I am very aware of water---my favorite hymn is "Peace of the River." I love the concept of the Living Water. Healing--my profession is a flowing water thing. Last night in a premier of a doctor show in the jungle, the man took his wife's ashes to a lake where the luminous algae glowed like fireflies wanting to be released. How Chinese in the image--fire controlled by water. I want to live next to that lake--but a lighted swimming pool will probably do. Washington University I think I should pursue that position. I need to tame the Fire Horse and work with her.
See, my gerbing had benefits I could never have guessed. What if I had scheduled a class in neurobiology instead?
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